Because I went to sleep a child
gentle,
trusting;
dreaming of frosted cakes
sitting on rose patterned china;
tea parties with
soft bunnies around my table
and peppermint teddie bears
dancing to a gentle tune.

I tramped through a lonely wood. Cold, dispirited and tired. Cigarette packages and rotting food, discarded shoes and pieces of furniture were lined around the place. The remnants of a once-pristine snow hung around in patches, now blackened, sooty and tainted.

My eye was caught by a metal box, rusted with traces of faded writing on it I couldn’t make out…

I am in my old white Toyota Tercel which I sold nigh onto 20 years ago. It was a faithful and true automobile with the one exception-it went through clutches rapidly. (No I do not ride my clutch whatever you have heard--I adamantly refute that I am a clutch rider). I am dressed inexplicably in a gray t shirt and some millimeters pair of pants. No coat in spite of the fact that snow is in patches on the road…

to the friends who abandoned me

to the friends I spoke to for years over the phone’
lamenting our shared loneliness
our unfaithful lovers ‘
our common fears…

I love the way a cat
looks at the chaos of the world and goes on its merry little way
licking itself
purring
adoring the way you adore it…

The phrase 'soul crushing' is bouncing around in my head...this is a processing post so it won't be a coherent communication in the conventional sense. So fantastic for me to have a community with whom I can share the deep reflections that have been buried inside me literally all my life. Troubled, disconnected relationships with others..because I didn't fit in, in groups…