Soul Crushing
The phrase 'soul crushing' is bouncing around in my head...this is a processing post so it won't be a coherent communication in the conventional sense. So fantastic for me to have a community with whom I can share the deep reflections that have been buried inside me literally all my life. Troubled, disconnected relationships with others..because I didn't fit in, in groups. Introvert, introspective, highly sensitive and so tender...so easily bruised...soul crushing experiences that tore pieces out of me.
Emotionally bleeding out for years and a profound loneliness that was inexpressible. Could connect with God from an early age but religion, culture, conventionality would seep in and I could not separate the Pharisee from the lover, in me or in others. Quietly rebellious-but not rebellion just for the sake of being different and contrary but born of a soul that saw things, that questioned the status quo of the God universe. I could morph/mold myself into what was needed in the moment...I am a skilled actress..I have had, at last count 46 jobs.
Adept at learning the language of differing professions and how to present myself in a pleasing manor to whoever was in front of me and how to be accepted...not because I truly in my heart wanted acceptance en masse but for survival. Great at pretending, dressing the part. My 'look, fashion sense would change from year to year, depending upon what phase I was in. Book publishing: tweed jackets, khaki pants, tortoise shell glasses, distressed leather bag. Marketing/Advertising: Pencil skirt, stilettos, shots of intense color and spare polished silver accessories. sleek and minimal. Home Decor/Design Consultant: Patterns, Urban/Creative with bright colors and textured sweaters, slouchy leather boots, a signature bold necklace or one wrist of bangles...Writer: deliberately, ever-so-slightly disheveled librarian with a twist...I could go on and on. Fun, but I knew that I was play acting..dressing the part for a child/woman who had no permanent identity. Church...don't even get me started. Too massive to tackle trying to wade through all those emotions, sensations that the essential me was not wanted.
But the wind/ the HS of the God trio..the bohemian of the trinity. Here was a kindred spirit. I connected with the mystical and atmospheric...this was my kind of spiritual experience..church as theatre...vibrant, flowing.. electric. I'm and artist in my core...even as a writer I would see typed words on the page, on the keyboard and see the artistry in their forms and hear the music of the perfectly matched words. I don't write...I design sentences which then make paragraphs and the paragraphs marry and breed children which are chapters.
For me, it's the season of "unleashed." I hear Sam Cooke, "It's Been a Long time Coming" his dreamy voice, his weary soul belting out from a soul crushed ad infinitem.
I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ev'r since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
'Cause I don't know what's up there, beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
I go to the movie and I go downtown
Somebody keep tellin' me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees, oh
There have been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will
Good night to my fellow gypsies, my sister actresses, my brother miscreants. Sleep well cause change done come. "Free at last, free at last...thank God almighty, I'm free at last." (Martin Luther King, Jr.).
